this beer tastes like vomit already
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
