D3 body, D1 cock
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i now understand why vodka
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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