meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
