I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
