only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
