In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The Olympian is in my bed
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