i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
