I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
