So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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