i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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