i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
