i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it because I queefed?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
