I smell stomach acid.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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