u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
