I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
