I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
