i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
