Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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