One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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