I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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