So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
