remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
