does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
