Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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