You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
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