Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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