Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
