hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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