a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
