If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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