remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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