Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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