she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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