She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
