I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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