dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
