Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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