dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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