my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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