I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm like, not good at living.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
