Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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