Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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