pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
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after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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