You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
