I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
