i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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