what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
