I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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