Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
operation harelip BJ is a go
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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