It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Randomize
