Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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