I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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