I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
