My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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