how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
