You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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