Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
