one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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